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Thinking in holes.
This is about fear. Again. but this time a very substantial fear that grew from something visible for once.
One week ago a friend (A.) left me at midnight. Right next to this house there is a dark staircase that leads to a to a large bridge, where he went to catch urban rail. Right on those stairs two people jumped at his face, hit him, told him to be quiet (after he was hit) and robbed him.
Then there is this incredibly cruel and absolutely unbelievable film (taken by a security cam) of the stabbing of a 20year old student that was shown by major news agencies in the UK (the parents of the victim wanted to show the uselessness and stupidity of the murder - and absolutely succeeded). The assailants were sentenced to jail but due to their difficult family background and low intelligence, they will not be punished the asked time.
The next day I heard about the taped beheading of four Russian ambassador-workers and now I don't know, how to file away my fear, my anger and my disbelief.
Germany is celebrating (for archive: Soccer) and I enjoy to see good news for once and then there is this issue of getting more radical because else nobody listens. If I think about the last sentence, my mind starts to race and clouds up with too many thoughts. I don’t want to be too theoretical here. In brief: My main problem seems to be, that those issues exist.
After an emergency car took A. to the hospital I stared at the green lighthouse right in front of this window and thought: Okay now. This is also a part of the world I live in. I knew about it, but it never was so close. After I saw the movie of the stabbed student, I thought: A world, in which it is possible to THINK like that is not a world, I want to live in. After the announcement of yet another Qaeda Movie, my brain went blank.
I am still shivering, when I think about the last week. Has it ever been different? No, I am not afraid, that I will be the next one, but I cannot imagine, how people can just go this direction.
The Power (of Violence)
On the other hand side - I enjoy movies like Old Boy or my own version of Hostel (= the version I had in mind before I saw this disappointing soft porno). After I watch Fight Club, I feel about 10 feet tall. After I read clockwork orange, I can’t help but jump along the streets. All this lasts about half an hour and than I am back to everyday-gab. I think, there are but few books as dangerous as Fight Club and Clockwork Orange (to name the known ones), but I always have the secret belief, that really stupid people don’t understand, why those movies are dangerous. I hope, they see but mere violence and in the case of C.O. a boring catharsis (ha!). The secret thrill of destroying order and pure power - dancing in streets that don’t belong to me but do, when I dance - that kills all my fear. Even though, I NEVER thought about answering an insult by hitting. If I do hurt somebody consciously, I act in a strict frame of rules that have nothing to do with our everyday world but this is not a place to discuss this. I feel the same power, when I finish to write a book, however stupid the book is. I just know, I created something that nobody can destroy, but me. I am absolute then.
I am 100 %.
Geez, it is hard for to explain this to somebody, who doesn’t life in my head.
This order gets shattered, if I hear about incidences like the ones told above. There was a time when I refused to see any news at all, because I usually started to cry. But then - the Tsunami was something that upset me very much, but it didn’t shatter my world.
I feel a bit blocked at the moment, because there are a lot of things, that don’t work with my world and giving up that view and accepting everything that clashes with this world would kill a lot of what makes me work.
(... shortened) There is a second part to this, but not everything should be presented here.
Climbing Glass Walls
I often start wondering, if I would have held those very important promises, provided I could have guessed, how my life went.
Somewhen I understood, that growing up means to grow colder and file some dreams away (nicely labeled), but I never thought, that all these compromises would cloud my world in return as well. My refuge should be untouched!
I feel, as if the volume was turned down or the saturation taken out off my movie. The days fly past so far, with such a low framerate, that i get scared. My world skips out of my focus. I wish, I could blame the world in claiming, I don't listen well enough, because it hurts. But it DOESN't. There is no feeling to it and so I start missing the words and lines that still DO tell me something.
I feel, that I now need music with texts that take me away, I need stronger guides, like a pattern made of drums to dance after. Mere melodies and soft classical music is not strong enough. I need to hit down harder, to make it hurt.
My world loses the flavor and texture. It doesn't even hurt properly. Though I never check for my weight or care about it, I feel a lot heavier. I feel blending in, sinking down and drown in stones where there was a clear wind before.
When I was younger, I fantasized a lot about drowning and never got the hang of the word "superficial". I thought, breaking through the ice from beneath would make me free - provided I understood the dark, calm, isolated depth before. My wet hair would stand out in the sudden sharp breeze and my open eyes would see the big, black space, grow icy and look forever in a direction that would never end. That was the kind of revelation, of illumination I thought would hit me.
Right now I feel stuck within the ice and not caring a lot about that. I need more volume, I want full colors back, I want my stupid pain and my questions.
About 7 years ago I had a bet with a writer-friend. We wrote big envelopes, sealed them and told each other: "If you don't write anymore in 10 years, you have to die your hair all blue" (that is for me) and she is supposed to have it all red, if she doesn't write anymore. It doesn't matter, if I win this bet or not, but there is some important point to it: I imagine calling her in three years and if I agree, that we had been foolish children back then and no need to die the hair now, I swear to make those promises true. That gives me three years to melt the ice and there is no point in going on, if I don't do anything about that.
I dont know a lot about this Sonata by Ludwig van, but I remembered, that I cried when I heard it for the first time. It was not crying because its not a happy little tune, the tears came, because it was so grand, it went beyond the room and just swept over my heart, drowning my brain completely. Listening to Beethoven's Music gives me the certainty, that there is more to everything than numbers...
I first heard The Tempest played by a girl that lived next door to me. To hear it live, to see this sonata performed made my skin too small for me. She played it beautifully and later passed the entry tests for studying piano.
Yesterday I got to know, that this girl died three weeks ago due to a long and painfull illness. I knew about the illness and that she had an electrical piano in her hospital room to practice whenever she could (using headphones) and she got well. But the sickness wasnt gone and finally caught her.
I meet a lot of people, who have completely different goals in their life and who dont aim for anything- just go along. There is no right or wrong about this, because nobody knows, what all this is truly good for. Just yesterday I said again, that i couldnt believe, how people can live without a craving or without striving for something. I thought, that life was wasted this way.
I cant find any words to describe how sorry I feel for this young woman, who had to deal at a very young age with a sickness of that sort and couldn't go further and fullfill her dreams. I uttered the very evil thought, that those kind of things should happen to people, who waste their live anyway. But what kind of judge am I? There is no need for judgement or explaination. If I would seek for a reason here, I would go mad.
Even though Beethoven died deaf he didnt go silently as she did.
I seldomly feel that small. I am glad, that there is no fear right now, because even the fear is so small. The tempest left a lot of room.
fighting the fog
If i try to smell rain on a warm day, i have the feeling, that i can't take as deep a breath as i want to. Sometimes, goosebumps are not enough and the corners of the eyes feel too warm, when witnessing something beautiful. I dont want them to get blurry.
i want the time to make the street my cathedral. I dont need a louder voice and i don't need a better vision, i just want the time to find the right words. I want to see more colors but i dont want to hear more noise.
maybe I have all that time but am not able to organize it. this word makes me itch inside. it takes the color out of a lot of wishes.
I am gratefull for all the secrets i can keep. It makes me feel ritcher. I am gratefull for not having fallen that far. I am gratefull for the people that pick me up even though I dont ask them even their name. Some small goods are too marvellous to expect. And some evils are too present to decide on where to build my cathedral.
Why is that kind of beauty I love making me sad...
There is a tower in front of this window that has green light in his windows. I never want to find out why, because it tells me nearly everytime a different story.
- i had a dream where i tried to fight the ultimate evil with nothing but fog. but i guess, a different kind of fog stops me from taking deep breaths
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If somebody says something paradox or does something extremely stupid - so stupid, that i just cannot understand it but can't ignore it, my brain seems to be turning inside my head. It is like watching a very, very ugly picture that starts making a sound, when you try to go away.
Right now, I have this feeling, when I think about what I am doing and how I pass my days. I spent the past 2 month mostly coloring drawings by a very, very, very good artist I admire and now I have 2 own projects to finish with harsh deadlines and punishmet when not finished and I am used to these eerily perfect pictures, so I almost despair, when I try to _draw_ for myself. or one very emberassing project I did for the money. luckily, thats a problem I am constantly thinking about - like my phone bill, tax papers, me aproximately failing to pass the first major test in my studies...
but it helps. Its making my brain work, but it doesn't make it turn or even worse: freeze, like when I wake up from a nightmare and it still is going on.
There was this nightmare of a white boat where we (I dont know who) were dressed in white, playing jigsaw(Puzzlen?) that didn't have any prints. But as soon as we assembled the right pieces, they started to bleed and everything became red around the boat and I knew, that _it_ was there again. After noticing, that we are not alone, it was like the camera fell to the ground and recorded just panicking footsteps.
I noticed the similarities and returning symbols in my dreams. For one thing, there is the water always and everywhere. But there is this feeling, explainable with standing on thick ice on a lake that is not entirely frozen. One knows, that things move beneath . You hear them scratching against the ice. They observe you, but you can go away (wake up). It's fairly easy, but it won't make these things dissappear. When I was younger, I also had this feeling, when I was awake. sometimes, I got so desperately afraid of some irrational thing...
I killed some of my fears, but that just takes their shape away, its still the same amount of fear in those dreams.
I love to see patterns and signs, but i don't seriously believe in them. I let them help me decide things, but i start to believe, that those intense and evil dreams want to say something.
they probably say: stop trying not to think. Start feeling more. Don't just read and consume, turn off the loud music, stop drinking and start thinking. Go! Hunt the fire or we will freeze you up completely. another glass?
I wish, these fears, these under-water-things had faces again. Right now, I don't want to punsh and hurt them, but let them shock me and wake me up. wake me up......