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the flashback incidence

I know unconsciousness well, but there is something more dangerous for me.
Imagine viewing reality as a brickstone wall. fainting is, when all the bricks fall apart and are drawn into a black, velvet, sometimes warm, sometimes icy nothing behind the wall... slowely and everything fades.
flashbacks are more like the wall is suddenly absorbed by something. I dont fall, its more like the nothing is running me over... the worst that could happen is, if the nothing is... filled... with shadows.
sometimes everything becomes bright, but i cant focus, the 'me' doesnt exist anymore... everything is... under water...

its being unconscious and awake at the same time. and everything seems to pull and tear...

its like sinking into thick paint...

its like in a nightmare you're suddenly aware, that it will get very, very - ugly...

12.3.05 04:53

I'll be on the Leipziger Buchmesse. right now, i am very excited about that... because of E. W.'s encouragement, i'll just try and will go to the Feder and Schwert Verlag (Germany's "white wolf") ... maaaayybee they might like my stuff... or they have some helpfull critique for me.

Its nice to be distracted.
I'll be at the ARS-corner... wherever this is at the comic-section... geez. my english is horrible today... i am sorry.

Also, they announce the winners of europe's biggest manga-contest (for newbies ; ) ) and i am very, very excited about that - and afraid, of course, because right now, i know so many things i could have done better... at least been sober while chosing the colors... (seriously)


18.3.05 01:42

diary, not philosohpical....

leipziger buchmesse und Comics in Leipzig

This was just insane. i'll just do a shooooort list of what happened

- i was participating at the ARS -section at the jap@com (an artist-section on the book-convention which was organised by koriko. Page of the project: ARS page ) which was very interesting, because
- i drew in a lot of con-hons which was a good practice
- i sold a good bunch of buttons to people, who seem to appreciate them
- I came to talk to a lot of people, that i wanted to meet for some time.

one evening, we went to a bar and we were supposed to be quiet for one hour, because they had a book-event there, somebody read from his new book. okay, so we behaved ... civil. i was a little annoyed, because i was hungry and wanted to order something to eat, but because of the event, they didnt serve food. "who might be the frkn author because of whom we cant eat now..." i wondered... and i read
CHUCK PALANHIUK... i went nuts. I was thrilled... and i listened with awe and amusement and greed and disgust. we left early though, because everyone got too hungry and it was getting way later, than the bar told us before...

- because of the hintern-treting of Eva Widermann I finally had enough guts to show some of my artstuff to feder and schwert (the german licence-partner of White Wolf) and. something happened, that i never dreamt about: The chief art-guy LIKED my stuff VERY MUCH... YEAHHH! but since i never professionally illustrated before, i am going to do some 'test'drawings for him... and i just started 2nd semester at the university... but im not sure, whether i will finish my subject, because thsi art director was the second 'in-business' person, who told me, that my stuff is not DESIGN but ART... so i should study ART not DESIGN...
im getting a bad feeling about that

- CIL. I dont know, what went wrong. i am extremely happy for r. scheibe to win the shonen jump price, bedause r. 'schluse' scheibe has a unique style, a lot of humor and is a very, very nice guy... the winning picture of 'my' category was strangely... bad icompared with the pictures placed second and third. that fact helps me to not take my loosing enry (4th or 5ths?) seriously. I am not a good looser and if i loose, i like to loose a way that i can understand, why others were better... i liked, how the speaker commented the winning pictures and the comment "youre not mainstream enough", feder and schwert, the ars-section, all the nice people and chuck palanhuik made convention a full success for me.

20.3.05 22:51


i had a terrifying nightmare i would rate R... at least. it included a lot of tentacles, rope, HR Giger and the RING.

i start thinking about stuff i did and said again. im growing afraid of getting lost and trapped.

i wasnt supposed to have such a dream after a very beautiful day. or having those nightmares inspite of everything being okay... People shouldnt think, that i am a nice person, when im actually very mean at times.. It would be like wearing perfect make-up but not having brushed teeth.

university started today. i am not sure yet, what classes im going to take. probably drawing nudes, historical analysis of art, basics in plastic art and typhographical classes
22.3.05 23:41

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