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fractal noise

sometimes, when all that tearing inside breaks lose and I go berserk, very sad, afraid or extremely happy, the wave slows down within hours and leaves noise. its like zooming out of a fractal pictures, which scares me. There is always... noise.

right now i feel like living in a fractal picture. any direction i turn, there is a twisted way which i cant see the end of, but the way looks somewhat purposeful, soft and even - like rollercoaster tracks in slow motion, but there is this intense centrifugal force still on. A good friend said: "You seem to be living always in a fight... in a contradition with everything around you and I believe, that costs a lot of energy." That would explain some feelings to me, but i am not sure, whether he is right. I do not look for issues to fight against; I do not want confrontation, but i am very suspicious about many things that happen to me. I seem not to be able to trust them. On the other hand, there are moments, when i believe about everything.

Fairy treasure chests and christals
I remember having read Aladin when i was a kid or listening to Sindbad's adventures and when I saw pictures or movies, i was always disappointed, how the treasure chests looked like. Or the moment, when Dorothy in the second Part of the Desneymovie (Return to Oz) enters the treasure chamber of the gnome king. There was... porcelaine and ... titanium figures, but that didnt mean anything. dont get me wrong, i didnt feel that emotional values were more important, i just believed, that you have to go blind in those treasure chambers, because of all the diamonds and perls and gold and christals.
Then I started collecting christals myself and in the end i gave it up (after scientifically getting to collecting different "species" of minerals, not going for the most beautiful but the rare ones) and then - i had a collection of... not very beautiful but interesting stones, which i couldnt share. I remember having stoped the moment, when i finally got a (for me very expensive) computer program, where i could archive my stones. So far, I menaged with a large paper-card box, but suddenly, all of this made no sense anymore and I gave up. Maude in Harald and Maude says, that she has nothing against collecting stuff, but it has to be incidental, not integral... The magic was gone. sparkling cristals had become intellectual pictures and titanium sculptures. i was too young then to understand this.
I admit, I could have chosen a better example and not drawn those conclusions, but right now i cant think of another way to explain it.

Right now, I feel a large wave of something like disappointment. It makes my lunges feel larger than my whole body. but it is a very empty feeling and there is not a big reason for this. maybe its the downwardway in one of the uncountable fractals.


1oclock philosophy.
15.12.05 01:31





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