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stoic

Maybe I should rename this blog "gab's emo selfgebrabbel" and it would be right. I tend to laugh about myself quite a lot and even meaning it and love a good blog with some serious contents and some funny self-comments.... but writing in this blog is a bit like... comming back to some of those intimate evenings in my old village (I always hated to spend my days there), but standing on the black windows in the dead of warm summer nights and looking out over the forests and fields... sometimes the green lights of charged batteries the only source of light...
This is the moment, I invented worlds. I actually remember those evenings very clear. There was one when I watched somebody very close to me smoke and confessed some ... very small personal crimes. It was always the same - one single light source, the shape of trees and the quiet with a very distant, constant roar of the autobahn, if it was a windstill evening. One day I will be able to draw that noise and still keep this stillness...

but actually, this was supposed to be about something else, with again feeling guilty about selfabsorbed whining.

I feel tremendously alive, if I create and there are few things that make me more happy than actually seeing somebody else creating on one of my worlds. But I am also ashamed of that feeling for different reasons.
First, there are those nagging memories of me telling everybody about my fantasy universes and answering questions that were never put to me. One Time, there was a friend in a boat with me on a field trip - he had to listen THE WHOLE TIME to my stories and made just one reaction: He laughed about a name and that encouraged me tremendously. I never realized, that people failed to react to my constant ongoing.
Second there are The Duties.
Third... there is that real life with all those people with real feelings that i seriously don't always understand. I don't get how important other people are for some people. Surely, there are friends I am very fond of, but I always need hours, days with my creations. I tend to hurt people telling them off and shutting them completely from my life. Loved ones included. But if i didn't do that, I would never have met those people, who sometimes got in touch with me for those universes. I really love giving those ideas and universes away, opening them, exploring them, inviting people into them, but those people tend to fix their concentration on me and that nags me. Okay, I would lie to deminish the fact, that I enjoy compliments for real things like a technique, but that is not the way I am or the reason I do create.

It is absolutelly selfish to beg for friends to understand, that I need friends I can switch off. I got conscious of that during the last weeks and I really, really despise that side of me. I feel guilty about it, but i do not think, that I will change that. I am sorry.
25.8.07 02:28





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