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tides


I dont remember eating. Well, I usually don't, because I take small bites and snack around all day. I don't feel the urge to eat, but I eventually do it. Sometimes, it even feels good. No, I am not anorexic but I have close to 0 imagination if it comes to eating and stand in front of an all sparkling fridge and don't know, what to eat. 95% of mankind probably envy me, fastidious brat, that I am.

I am lucky that I do not have to worry about eating, because else I probably would not menage at all. I don't know how i finished all this work the past month but right now, I'm in zombie-mode and it 's getting worse.

It's a mixture of an illness breaking through and being hurt so much, that crying is just laughable. I tried autogenic training but its like falling backwards into this void. But not comforting, its... all the time the feeling of helpless acceleration and the certain knowledge, that I cannot do anything, that I am absolutely powerless. It is this icky topic love. aww, well, you'll get over it.

I see the person I love destroying himself. For accepting this (which is, what he asks of me) I need to change so much that I will become a person that does not love him. He does not realize it and I am no longer willing to try it, because for every step I take in accepting his addictions he slides further down that spiral and nothing I do stops him. So I have to stop it and that I did. That would be the story in a nutshell, but lies and a lot of pain claim their part as well as 8 years of sweet and bitter times.

And it hurts and hurts and hurts.
5.2.08 20:48





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