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steel gaze

Read the patient information leaflet and ask your doctor or pharmacist about risks and side effects. You may encounter stressful twitching, funny laughs, hallucinations and some of them might actually be yours. Do not worry; this is all part of the healing process.

One tiny part of me is always watching, no matter how far away I am. I always know, what the right (accepted and most forwarding) decision might be if I am confronted with a problem. I cannot lie to myself, but depending on how far away I am, I do not act accordingly but irrationally. I can even watch myself fall. This watching part does not have emotions, it is not a person or a character trait, its just... observation and doesn’t think or evaluate, it just takes protocol and knows, what the script should be. I am a bit scared, because first of all: why can’t I keep to _my_ script and why am I able to lose myself so much or get into self-induced trouble when there is always the smart part.

Sometimes, my body and me are having fits and are fighting about emotions, I do not really feel. I am trying to issue a thought, actually laughing and crying at the same time but the thought does not have anything humoristic or sad. This just happens in situations, I have been anticipating for a long time and the emotion is not related to the topic, but the situation. The relief of the situation passing. I do not find this normal and I tend to shock other people with the overwhelming reactions, but I simply cannot control it and avoid these situations, which make them worse. The steel gaze would not laugh or cry.

Right now, I am dizzy and everything is a bit blurred. I manage everyday affairs but I do not manage the big stuff and am overwhelmed by work right now, though on other occasions, I would have easily bothered AND finished my tests. Becoming older is not just about more pressure or specialization, it is also about avoiding distraction and adapting in many ways that don’t hinder the own script.
... and then... there is the nameless cold and the big black bird and all those words lose their meaning. But even there, the steel gaze is imminent.
19.12.08 15:39


I dont remember eating. Well, I usually don't, because I take small bites and snack around all day. I don't feel the urge to eat, but I eventually do it. Sometimes, it even feels good. No, I am not anorexic but I have close to 0 imagination if it comes to eating and stand in front of an all sparkling fridge and don't know, what to eat. 95% of mankind probably envy me, fastidious brat, that I am.

I am lucky that I do not have to worry about eating, because else I probably would not menage at all. I don't know how i finished all this work the past month but right now, I'm in zombie-mode and it 's getting worse.

It's a mixture of an illness breaking through and being hurt so much, that crying is just laughable. I tried autogenic training but its like falling backwards into this void. But not comforting, its... all the time the feeling of helpless acceleration and the certain knowledge, that I cannot do anything, that I am absolutely powerless. It is this icky topic love. aww, well, you'll get over it.

I see the person I love destroying himself. For accepting this (which is, what he asks of me) I need to change so much that I will become a person that does not love him. He does not realize it and I am no longer willing to try it, because for every step I take in accepting his addictions he slides further down that spiral and nothing I do stops him. So I have to stop it and that I did. That would be the story in a nutshell, but lies and a lot of pain claim their part as well as 8 years of sweet and bitter times.

And it hurts and hurts and hurts.
5.2.08 20:48


I would not have thought ever to post in a happy mood again. Not, because I am so deeply depressive and awesomelly melancolic all the time, but because I do not have the urge to write about myself, if I am happy.

I disabled the comments, because some spampage fills everything with losy comments about how to increase my WOW-levels. Weird. Btw. I never played WoW but ironically sometimes work for WoW.

Right now, I feel the mania in my fingertipps and nearly everything I see inspires me. It makes me dizzy with joy. Oh, during the past 2, 3 Weeks its just been miraculous. I think, I am back in my world, which I thought to have lost forever. Its very different but not less magic. There is nothing as sharing this world and seeing, that it really IS alive.

And there is this great freedom of finally realizing, that many people accept my drawings for just what they are. Just very few people are able to undestand them the way I really meant it, but otherwise that would have been more of a danger. I don't always want people to be able to unlock me, but I am also not a very good secret keeper. Especially for myself. At least, I am too blind to understand most of my own dark, mysterious secrets ; )
I am nothing if I depend on others to judge my creations. But seeing others deal with them gives me pleasure nearly as great as the process of creation, especially if they enjoy it themselves.

If I stop and think, i start to feel uncomfortable, because its such a paradox, how men are able to create next to those giant, empty spaces around us. We will never be able to fill them up and its ironic that i feel alive, drowning in myself. Right now, the feeling is everything, that matters.

I always thought that the universe ends in white clouds and after that, there is just the most giant crayon scribble beyond any imagination.

thank you.
30.10.07 15:09


Maybe I should rename this blog "gab's emo selfgebrabbel" and it would be right. I tend to laugh about myself quite a lot and even meaning it and love a good blog with some serious contents and some funny self-comments.... but writing in this blog is a bit like... comming back to some of those intimate evenings in my old village (I always hated to spend my days there), but standing on the black windows in the dead of warm summer nights and looking out over the forests and fields... sometimes the green lights of charged batteries the only source of light...
This is the moment, I invented worlds. I actually remember those evenings very clear. There was one when I watched somebody very close to me smoke and confessed some ... very small personal crimes. It was always the same - one single light source, the shape of trees and the quiet with a very distant, constant roar of the autobahn, if it was a windstill evening. One day I will be able to draw that noise and still keep this stillness...

but actually, this was supposed to be about something else, with again feeling guilty about selfabsorbed whining.

I feel tremendously alive, if I create and there are few things that make me more happy than actually seeing somebody else creating on one of my worlds. But I am also ashamed of that feeling for different reasons.
First, there are those nagging memories of me telling everybody about my fantasy universes and answering questions that were never put to me. One Time, there was a friend in a boat with me on a field trip - he had to listen THE WHOLE TIME to my stories and made just one reaction: He laughed about a name and that encouraged me tremendously. I never realized, that people failed to react to my constant ongoing.
Second there are The Duties.
Third... there is that real life with all those people with real feelings that i seriously don't always understand. I don't get how important other people are for some people. Surely, there are friends I am very fond of, but I always need hours, days with my creations. I tend to hurt people telling them off and shutting them completely from my life. Loved ones included. But if i didn't do that, I would never have met those people, who sometimes got in touch with me for those universes. I really love giving those ideas and universes away, opening them, exploring them, inviting people into them, but those people tend to fix their concentration on me and that nags me. Okay, I would lie to deminish the fact, that I enjoy compliments for real things like a technique, but that is not the way I am or the reason I do create.

It is absolutelly selfish to beg for friends to understand, that I need friends I can switch off. I got conscious of that during the last weeks and I really, really despise that side of me. I feel guilty about it, but i do not think, that I will change that. I am sorry.
25.8.07 02:28


At this time there is nothing I'ld rather do than to see. I wish, I could hold my vision steady for just one minute, but this mind is racing as if this is the last chance to see. Every idea is formed like a spade. There is no way of keeping steady on the top. Its just jumping, running, sliding. Sometimes, there are feelings like I missed something very important.

I used to tell myself stories when I was younger.
Falling asleep next to another person has stopped me for some time now. If you just count the word "I" in this blog entry, you can guess, how much I was occupied with myself for a lot of years. I slowly grasp, that I cannot fathom this world, if I don't reflect it (I know, I know - hard, NOT to reflect this world, if one tries to get it, but i mean REALLY reflecting about it. Like stopping and actually asking). For some time now I let other people bring this world to me. Listened to their opinions, saw through their eyes, wanted to live it with them, because it was so comfortable. But I cannot transform those impressions, I can't work with them, because they don't NEED or WANT to be worked with. The most important example is love. Love just happens. One doesn't need to see or to touch it, it's there.
For all the beautiful, easy moments it brought me, there is this other side - I hate that feeling, because it contrasts so much with everything I want to keep alive. It makes me so very blind and dependable. there is a certain security and a certain comfort in being dependable, but it doesn't make me as rich as I thought for a long time.
I am not able to keep my stories in mind. I am not able to concentrate well or just simply to see. The worst of all - i don't feel panic or regret. I just think: "How odd. Oh darn, my homework's not half done and there is this call to make..." I am a coward.
After my last down I stood up and said to myself: okay, you KNOW where the problems are. This is more than many people care to know. Get the fuck up and do something about it. It actually worked to some extend. Maybe, if I take small stepps again...
31.5.07 01:48

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