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I got back to some old habbits - ore passions. I play more violin, got back to the roots of drawing, am writing again. But i am not productive in doing so. I experiment, I try out save ways, looking for an ochestra I can participate in.

Okay now. I am closing my eyes and put all this save stuff away. I have never in my life been as afraid as in the past weeks. It is some kind of physical yet abstract fear. I overcame my very essential fears (dogs and bureau-offices - not kidding) to some extend and can work better with them, but this other fear...
Sometimes I am that afraid without a reason, its like a huge knob of panic in my stomach. Like black ink clear water. My head starts burning up, my voice is far away. Its just all the ground breaking away and the rush of a free fall. It is exactly the feeling, when you cross the road and see a car that couldn't have been there seconds ago.
There is this tiny moment, when I grab my hair, hold my breath and actually evaluate if to let it go or not. If I let it go, it is hard for me to remember, what happens aftewards. I am just extremely tired, nothing matters and there is a huge sadness that doesnt make my cry. Its just there. A blue ball. I can control, if I lose control.
If I think about those 3 moments that happened in the past 2 weeks, I know, that I have to do all those real things, that I need those safe ways and something, to hold tight to.

I know, that I could stop myself from being that afraid, but then, I have to shut other feelings away, too. And those are the things (the intense happiness ore the rush of creativity) I would not feel, if I didnt pay with fear or sadness. But I know, that I have this choice. Always. I never decided against happiness or fear so far but I slow them down. I still did not recover from those freakish outbreaks and feel, that I am on hold right now.
17.2.07 22:11

6.9.06 03:13

turbine failure

imagine the plane slowly going down, not tumbling. It is not a nice feeling, because you are enclosed in tons of metal and you're not on your own. even though everybody else is panicking, there is no sound except for the turbine that roares hollow and far, far away. like a medieval mechanical sky-dome enclosing your world. But instead of crashing into the ground - the ground moves away and you will fall forever. The plane will vanish, the other people, the light and the dirt - all goes away, but you're still not in a soothing free fall, because even though you can't see anything, you fall in an enclosed space. You fall in your head.
somewhen you don't even realize anymore, that you're still falling. there is just the noise that grows and becomes holy. its the only thing to believe in, the only real thing. Its the only physical thing.
This sound doesnt have a reason, it doesnt explain anything. But for it being there, you're still alive.

I think, in the end, you will vanish as well. But that just an hypothesis.

I don't think, a lot of people ever touch the ground. When was the point of the plane to descent? Now I believe, it is way more important to figure out, when the plane left the ground and that is almost funny.
4.9.06 21:20

no place for nightmares

today i decided, that our family dog had to be put to sleep. yesterday, i was 1 inch from a very bad accident and prevented it by getting off the road (just the mirrors got scratched). the day before, i understood, that i have to get surgery on my teeth which will put me off for at least 2 weeks.
I cant talk about the things, that were much worse than this and I would kill my dog twice for making them undone, though I grew up with this family-furrball. The reason he is dying will make me REALLY sick, when I watch another old italian horror movie. why cant he just go to sleep without ... this...

In Fight club, there is this mavellous situation, when jack tells us, that after a fight, everything else is quieter. much quieter. Well, he also says, that every "normal" business is done easily; i cant agree to that, but I feel increddibly numb. Right now, I dont care about time passing, I dont mind cleaning the floor where the dog lies and about thinking what flowers to take to dear S.'s funeral. oh darn, i want the hurting to stop. I want to be able to draw a picture and make it go away. I dont want to think in funeral terms when thinking about this nice person, who just... is not here anymore. Its like a missing piece in a puzzle you worked on to ... get done. Like a shape cut from the picture you always took for granted.

Right now, I want to cut this summer out of my life and scream. I want this to stop. Another bad news and I will sew... reality. I want the dog to stop whining, but there is no vet open at this time.

I really need to do something very stupid and funny like when we signed the Reichstag with chalk and got called off by the Reichstag guards. Which was okay on April 1th. I want to scream.

And I probably will.
4.8.06 01:47

the shape of clouds

This night, I had a nightmare. Again. It was very long and about discovering, that i was again in a world, that was just the surface of something ugly and dangerous.

I probably wont remember it right, if i write it down in detail, but there was one fact, that i am still thinking about:

I realized, that the world was wrong, when I saw three clouds, that had exactly the same shape. I went mad with fear, when I saw those clouds. When they noticed, that I watched them, they started to fade into the grey background.

I think, there is something very true about a sad world, where all the clouds have the same shape. Its like drawing stars using a ruler.
17.7.06 02:37

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