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i re-installed everything and though I had to solve some problems rather artistically, I got nearly everything working (excluding the graphics... well, at least its 16 colors, not mere 4 ones)...

I installed all service packs, I put in the freakin virus-scan and the only thing I did was updating the virus program. I run a virus check in all sections everytime i installed something.

well. after 7 hours of work and the internet working again, I had this little sign warning me, that a certain backdoor-virus had infected my system.

HOW?!!! WHY AGAIN THE SAME FRKN VIRUS?!! I didnt check mail, i didnt download, I didnt browse... I didnt ENTER the net except for updating the virus-program.

that is insane.

I give up on that computer.

Even weirder: My nightmares are REALLY scary at the moment. I was dreaming of the Lokschuppen ( "pro" made some pictures of this strange location in berlin) and dreamt, how it became infected by the \'NETWORK\', a comic-style-blame-amorphe-artwork and how I tried to get the black-and-white-horses out of the terrain.

AND I keep dreaminng about empty swimming-places, drowned people and murders in rain. It always seems to be raining in my dreams.
Maybe I should use the bathroom more often.
as much, as I would like to joke about that issue, I hate waking up scared and not very refreshed and having this funny, paranoid feeling around me all the time.
1.9.04 13:38


I seriously planned now to to major work on TWISted - mmeaning, I\'ll redesign the whole stories, work hard on the characters and will now just working on outlining the plot and planning issues.
I seriously plan to do something more with it.
1.9.04 13:43


whomever it concernes.

When I was younger, I wrote my diary to a Person called Anne and now, I remember why: I read the Diary of Anne Frank, who wrote her diary to... Kitty? Was it Kitty? But I new, that I had to write my diary to somebody as well. I called her Anne, though her real name was a name I gave this imaginary friend when I was very young - you can imagine, it was a very naive Name.

i am running a virus-update right now. Reinstalled the computer the 5th time during the last 4 weeks. Why wont they just go away. So much work lost again and again. Its like this cg-picture : Everytime, right after I finished coloring the whole floor, the program broke down. I redid the floor 3times.

Right now, I feel to have come to a temporary ceasefire. Its not going downwards. I am looking at the rollercoaster and watching it with very disgusted, challenging eyes... but its drawing me back again. I feel like just having some time for taking a smoke, a deep breath - killing me with soft, small flames. O that disgusting rollercoaster.

I have a lot of plans to get my live back to normal. Drew more on TWistEd, REdesigned Jaune, planned some pictures. If I just had all the materials I needed... why cant just somebody come by: "Hey, girl, you might happen to need this canvas, oh - really? exactly the right size? What a coincidence".

Maybe I should call my listener \'mrs coincidence" instead of "good old irony".

fortunately, every week provides some lights to look forward to. but when they go away, when i am alone again, the walls tightend up - the ceiling lifts itsself, cold wind blows empty colors in a darkening room. something like that. im to tired to explain. but i didn\'t have any nightmares the last 2 days. and i finally went back to eat something. i am an awfull body-keeper.
19.9.04 23:34


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