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to be void is not the same as going down to zero... losing everything, letting everything pass with the speed of light and drawing lightsabre like shapes in a afternoon rainy day... like those in big asian cities... that is holding tight to zero, but just laying on the floor of a forgotten attic, dusty and grey, without any lost fairy-tale books... that is void. empty. below zero.

there is this constant feeling of something draining all the ideas and pictures out of my head and leaving nothing but blank, mocking paper. its like you painted the painting of your life and... are done. and there is nothing more to tell. but, heck, im 20. i have so much time left. maybe.

till now, i wasnt very successfull with my new years resolutions, but that is no reason for not trying to keep them up.

i sometimes feel like pulling down a mask - and there is still the same face under it...

or an empty cone.

i am looking forward to the big summervacation.

3.2.05 18:01

well, so im sitting in some fancy amercian restaurant in berlin. its kind of weird, but the food was nice. sometimes, i wonder, what 'home' really means.
6.2.05 20:10

I am twenty now. maybe, it is the www to still let me have puberty-like complexes...

there is this growing division between two very elementary characteristics... or moods. on the one hand, we have this incredibly lucky, somewhat successfull and easyhearted powerwoman.
and then, there is... gollum. everybody has a gollum and there is nothing wrong with one side being more present than the other at times... but these two seem a bit too far away from each other. and too dominant, when let lose. right now, i am in state zero. i just recovered from a 12hour odyssee that will cause heavy headaches when i finally menage to go to bed and wake up again... haha... made a biiig funny: weak up again.

on the other hand, powergirl might be strong and witty, but gollum has ideas, is creative and makes me stop and think things over. like doing pancakes. but if you turn them over too often, they still get burned... how profoundly witty. pancake philosophy at 6.a.m.
11.2.05 06:13


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