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something that moves

Im drowned in work, which is somewhat good.

still, there is this nagging question and this pleading voice, that hovers like a soft shadow above a lot of decisions im doing right now. It's always telling me: "You broke the promise" and that i can pretend as much as i want, but even though i dont want to see it, i really am losing it.

i seem to be studying just the crafts and not art right now. its hard to explain in words, but there is an image: the crafts are something like salt, or pumice (Bimsstein) that cant be moved, but the wish to draw is like water and it soakes the stone and makes it... alive. Water. again. i believe art to be more magical than ever before, even though i see now, that the work is much harder than i ever imagined it before.
Surely, all the ideas float, but they seem to get closer to what i can do not what...
but that is not the point. The main point is, that everything, all that makes me human, all that keeps me going is an intense craving. there is this quote from brave new world - I don?t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.
To quote this is like taking a deep breath and its no new thought, but i am nothing without my craving, this undefined yearning for something beautiful and something meaningfull. Maybe, that is my religion - and therefore not very different from any other religion.

The pictures, that i am not drawing, that simply are drawn, are the only ones, that show, why i am alive. and right now i drown myself in work, material questions and a lot of people.

and for the very first time, i beat the sadness but i dont like the price. its not worth it. its like the rollercoaster slows down not at the bottom and not at the height, but somewhere undefined, meaningless in-between.

and thats way to honest.
12.8.05 23:36


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