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If somebody says something paradox or does something extremely stupid - so stupid, that i just cannot understand it but can't ignore it, my brain seems to be turning inside my head. It is like watching a very, very ugly picture that starts making a sound, when you try to go away.

Right now, I have this feeling, when I think about what I am doing and how I pass my days. I spent the past 2 month mostly coloring drawings by a very, very, very good artist I admire and now I have 2 own projects to finish with harsh deadlines and punishmet when not finished and I am used to these eerily perfect pictures, so I almost despair, when I try to _draw_ for myself. or one very emberassing project I did for the money. luckily, thats a problem I am constantly thinking about - like my phone bill, tax papers, me aproximately failing to pass the first major test in my studies...

but it helps. Its making my brain work, but it doesn't make it turn or even worse: freeze, like when I wake up from a nightmare and it still is going on.

There was this nightmare of a white boat where we (I dont know who) were dressed in white, playing jigsaw(Puzzlen?) that didn't have any prints. But as soon as we assembled the right pieces, they started to bleed and everything became red around the boat and I knew, that _it_ was there again. After noticing, that we are not alone, it was like the camera fell to the ground and recorded just panicking footsteps.

I noticed the similarities and returning symbols in my dreams. For one thing, there is the water always and everywhere. But there is this feeling, explainable with standing on thick ice on a lake that is not entirely frozen. One knows, that things move beneath . You hear them scratching against the ice. They observe you, but you can go away (wake up). It's fairly easy, but it won't make these things dissappear. When I was younger, I also had this feeling, when I was awake. sometimes, I got so desperately afraid of some irrational thing...
I killed some of my fears, but that just takes their shape away, its still the same amount of fear in those dreams.
I love to see patterns and signs, but i don't seriously believe in them. I let them help me decide things, but i start to believe, that those intense and evil dreams want to say something.

they probably say: stop trying not to think. Start feeling more. Don't just read and consume, turn off the loud music, stop drinking and start thinking. Go! Hunt the fire or we will freeze you up completely. another glass?

I wish, these fears, these under-water-things had faces again. Right now, I don't want to punsh and hurt them, but let them shock me and wake me up. wake me up......
21.3.06 23:00


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