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Climbing Glass Walls

I often start wondering, if I would have held those very important promises, provided I could have guessed, how my life went.

Somewhen I understood, that growing up means to grow colder and file some dreams away (nicely labeled), but I never thought, that all these compromises would cloud my world in return as well. My refuge should be untouched!
I feel, as if the volume was turned down or the saturation taken out off my movie. The days fly past so far, with such a low framerate, that i get scared. My world skips out of my focus. I wish, I could blame the world in claiming, I don't listen well enough, because it hurts. But it DOESN't. There is no feeling to it and so I start missing the words and lines that still DO tell me something.

I feel, that I now need music with texts that take me away, I need stronger guides, like a pattern made of drums to dance after. Mere melodies and soft classical music is not strong enough. I need to hit down harder, to make it hurt.
My world loses the flavor and texture. It doesn't even hurt properly. Though I never check for my weight or care about it, I feel a lot heavier. I feel blending in, sinking down and drown in stones where there was a clear wind before.

When I was younger, I fantasized a lot about drowning and never got the hang of the word "superficial". I thought, breaking through the ice from beneath would make me free - provided I understood the dark, calm, isolated depth before. My wet hair would stand out in the sudden sharp breeze and my open eyes would see the big, black space, grow icy and look forever in a direction that would never end. That was the kind of revelation, of illumination I thought would hit me.

Right now I feel stuck within the ice and not caring a lot about that. I need more volume, I want full colors back, I want my stupid pain and my questions.

About 7 years ago I had a bet with a writer-friend. We wrote big envelopes, sealed them and told each other: "If you don't write anymore in 10 years, you have to die your hair all blue" (that is for me) and she is supposed to have it all red, if she doesn't write anymore. It doesn't matter, if I win this bet or not, but there is some important point to it: I imagine calling her in three years and if I agree, that we had been foolish children back then and no need to die the hair now, I swear to make those promises true. That gives me three years to melt the ice and there is no point in going on, if I don't do anything about that.
13.6.06 02:32

Thinking in holes.

This is about fear. Again. but this time a very substantial fear that grew from something visible for once.

What Happened
One week ago a friend (A.) left me at midnight. Right next to this house there is a dark staircase that leads to a to a large bridge, where he went to catch urban rail. Right on those stairs two people jumped at his face, hit him, told him to be quiet (after he was hit) and robbed him.

Then there is this incredibly cruel and absolutely unbelievable film (taken by a security cam) of the stabbing of a 20year old student that was shown by major news agencies in the UK (the parents of the victim wanted to show the uselessness and stupidity of the murder - and absolutely succeeded). The assailants were sentenced to jail but due to their difficult family background and low intelligence, they will not be punished the asked time.

The next day I heard about the taped beheading of four Russian ambassador-workers and now I don't know, how to file away my fear, my anger and my disbelief.

Germany is celebrating (for archive: Soccer) and I enjoy to see good news for once and then there is this issue of getting more radical because else nobody listens. If I think about the last sentence, my mind starts to race and clouds up with too many thoughts. I don’t want to be too theoretical here. In brief: My main problem seems to be, that those issues exist.

After an emergency car took A. to the hospital I stared at the green lighthouse right in front of this window and thought: Okay now. This is also a part of the world I live in. I knew about it, but it never was so close. After I saw the movie of the stabbed student, I thought: A world, in which it is possible to THINK like that is not a world, I want to live in. After the announcement of yet another Qaeda Movie, my brain went blank.

I am still shivering, when I think about the last week. Has it ever been different? No, I am not afraid, that I will be the next one, but I cannot imagine, how people can just go this direction.

The Power (of Violence)
On the other hand side - I enjoy movies like Old Boy or my own version of Hostel (= the version I had in mind before I saw this disappointing soft porno). After I watch Fight Club, I feel about 10 feet tall. After I read clockwork orange, I can’t help but jump along the streets. All this lasts about half an hour and than I am back to everyday-gab. I think, there are but few books as dangerous as Fight Club and Clockwork Orange (to name the known ones), but I always have the secret belief, that really stupid people don’t understand, why those movies are dangerous. I hope, they see but mere violence and in the case of C.O. a boring catharsis (ha!). The secret thrill of destroying order and pure power - dancing in streets that don’t belong to me but do, when I dance - that kills all my fear. Even though, I NEVER thought about answering an insult by hitting. If I do hurt somebody consciously, I act in a strict frame of rules that have nothing to do with our everyday world but this is not a place to discuss this. I feel the same power, when I finish to write a book, however stupid the book is. I just know, I created something that nobody can destroy, but me. I am absolute then.
I am 100 %.
I am.

Geez, it is hard for to explain this to somebody, who doesn’t life in my head.
This order gets shattered, if I hear about incidences like the ones told above. There was a time when I refused to see any news at all, because I usually started to cry. But then - the Tsunami was something that upset me very much, but it didn’t shatter my world.

I feel a bit blocked at the moment, because there are a lot of things, that don’t work with my world and giving up that view and accepting everything that clashes with this world would kill a lot of what makes me work.

(... shortened) There is a second part to this, but not everything should be presented here.
26.6.06 21:09


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