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no place for nightmares

today i decided, that our family dog had to be put to sleep. yesterday, i was 1 inch from a very bad accident and prevented it by getting off the road (just the mirrors got scratched). the day before, i understood, that i have to get surgery on my teeth which will put me off for at least 2 weeks.
I cant talk about the things, that were much worse than this and I would kill my dog twice for making them undone, though I grew up with this family-furrball. The reason he is dying will make me REALLY sick, when I watch another old italian horror movie. why cant he just go to sleep without ... this...

In Fight club, there is this mavellous situation, when jack tells us, that after a fight, everything else is quieter. much quieter. Well, he also says, that every "normal" business is done easily; i cant agree to that, but I feel increddibly numb. Right now, I dont care about time passing, I dont mind cleaning the floor where the dog lies and about thinking what flowers to take to dear S.'s funeral. oh darn, i want the hurting to stop. I want to be able to draw a picture and make it go away. I dont want to think in funeral terms when thinking about this nice person, who just... is not here anymore. Its like a missing piece in a puzzle you worked on to ... get done. Like a shape cut from the picture you always took for granted.

Right now, I want to cut this summer out of my life and scream. I want this to stop. Another bad news and I will sew... reality. I want the dog to stop whining, but there is no vet open at this time.

I really need to do something very stupid and funny like when we signed the Reichstag with chalk and got called off by the Reichstag guards. Which was okay on April 1th. I want to scream.

And I probably will.
4.8.06 01:47


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