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I got back to some old habbits - ore passions. I play more violin, got back to the roots of drawing, am writing again. But i am not productive in doing so. I experiment, I try out save ways, looking for an ochestra I can participate in.

Okay now. I am closing my eyes and put all this save stuff away. I have never in my life been as afraid as in the past weeks. It is some kind of physical yet abstract fear. I overcame my very essential fears (dogs and bureau-offices - not kidding) to some extend and can work better with them, but this other fear...
Sometimes I am that afraid without a reason, its like a huge knob of panic in my stomach. Like black ink clear water. My head starts burning up, my voice is far away. Its just all the ground breaking away and the rush of a free fall. It is exactly the feeling, when you cross the road and see a car that couldn't have been there seconds ago.
There is this tiny moment, when I grab my hair, hold my breath and actually evaluate if to let it go or not. If I let it go, it is hard for me to remember, what happens aftewards. I am just extremely tired, nothing matters and there is a huge sadness that doesnt make my cry. Its just there. A blue ball. I can control, if I lose control.
If I think about those 3 moments that happened in the past 2 weeks, I know, that I have to do all those real things, that I need those safe ways and something, to hold tight to.

I know, that I could stop myself from being that afraid, but then, I have to shut other feelings away, too. And those are the things (the intense happiness ore the rush of creativity) I would not feel, if I didnt pay with fear or sadness. But I know, that I have this choice. Always. I never decided against happiness or fear so far but I slow them down. I still did not recover from those freakish outbreaks and feel, that I am on hold right now.
17.2.07 22:11

bisher 2 Kommentar(e)     TrackBack-URL

Arioc / Website (20.2.07 19:22)
Strange... if I had the choice to feel everything or nothing at all, I'd chose nothing. Since Sunday, when I had a panic attack, I haven't felt the same... there's just a before and an after, and I just want to close my eyes and let it be over. I wish for a way for it to be over with actually waking again.
I marvel at your strength for that decision. I can't remember being happy ... it's all wiped blank and nothing feels the same anymore.

Be assured that I think of you, sometimes, and wonder when we'll meet again. I'll visit the psychiatry again in a few days and don't know when I'll leave again - I survive the days till then with medication (not something I've ever been fond of). Feel free to call me someday.
I wish you all the best, and whatever you've written: may I read it?

gab (21.2.07 02:25)
even though you talk about yourself of beeing empty, i have the impression, that you cleared your mind of some troubles or turned them into something that cant hurt you.

What made you decide to go back into treatment? Is this a move to the bad or the good? Do you want to change?
Was it an abstract fear or have you been threatened?

I am glad, you read this because you can understand. That makes your opinion on this important to me. But believe me - we feel differently. I dont know, if I could feel fear as deeply as you do. maybe, you have to stop those fears to be able to... function at all.

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