I got back to some old habbits - ore passions. I play more violin, got back to the roots of drawing, am writing again. But i am not productive in doing so. I experiment, I try out save ways, looking for an ochestra I can participate in.
Okay now. I am closing my eyes and put all this save stuff away. I have never in my life been as afraid as in the past weeks. It is some kind of physical yet abstract fear. I overcame my very essential fears (dogs and bureau-offices - not kidding) to some extend and can work better with them, but this other fear...
Sometimes I am that afraid without a reason, its like a huge knob of panic in my stomach. Like black ink clear water. My head starts burning up, my voice is far away. Its just all the ground breaking away and the rush of a free fall. It is exactly the feeling, when you cross the road and see a car that couldn't have been there seconds ago.
There is this tiny moment, when I grab my hair, hold my breath and actually evaluate if to let it go or not. If I let it go, it is hard for me to remember, what happens aftewards. I am just extremely tired, nothing matters and there is a huge sadness that doesnt make my cry. Its just there. A blue ball. I can control, if I lose control.
If I think about those 3 moments that happened in the past 2 weeks, I know, that I have to do all those real things, that I need those safe ways and something, to hold tight to.
I know, that I could stop myself from being that afraid, but then, I have to shut other feelings away, too. And those are the things (the intense happiness ore the rush of creativity) I would not feel, if I didnt pay with fear or sadness. But I know, that I have this choice. Always. I never decided against happiness or fear so far but I slow them down. I still did not recover from those freakish outbreaks and feel, that I am on hold right now.