At this time there is nothing I'ld rather do than to see. I wish, I could hold my vision steady for just one minute, but this mind is racing as if this is the last chance to see. Every idea is formed like a spade. There is no way of keeping steady on the top. Its just jumping, running, sliding. Sometimes, there are feelings like I missed something very important.
I used to tell myself stories when I was younger.
Falling asleep next to another person has stopped me for some time now. If you just count the word "I" in this blog entry, you can guess, how much I was occupied with myself for a lot of years. I slowly grasp, that I cannot fathom this world, if I don't reflect it (I know, I know - hard, NOT to reflect this world, if one tries to get it, but i mean REALLY reflecting about it. Like stopping and actually asking). For some time now I let other people bring this world to me. Listened to their opinions, saw through their eyes, wanted to live it with them, because it was so comfortable. But I cannot transform those impressions, I can't work with them, because they don't NEED or WANT to be worked with. The most important example is love. Love just happens. One doesn't need to see or to touch it, it's there.
For all the beautiful, easy moments it brought me, there is this other side - I hate that feeling, because it contrasts so much with everything I want to keep alive. It makes me so very blind and dependable. there is a certain security and a certain comfort in being dependable, but it doesn't make me as rich as I thought for a long time.
I am not able to keep my stories in mind. I am not able to concentrate well or just simply to see. The worst of all - i don't feel panic or regret. I just think: "How odd. Oh darn, my homework's not half done and there is this call to make..." I am a coward.
After my last down I stood up and said to myself: okay, you KNOW where the problems are. This is more than many people care to know. Get the fuck up and do something about it. It actually worked to some extend. Maybe, if I take small stepps again...