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steel gaze

Read the patient information leaflet and ask your doctor or pharmacist about risks and side effects. You may encounter stressful twitching, funny laughs, hallucinations and some of them might actually be yours. Do not worry; this is all part of the healing process.

One tiny part of me is always watching, no matter how far away I am. I always know, what the right (accepted and most forwarding) decision might be if I am confronted with a problem. I cannot lie to myself, but depending on how far away I am, I do not act accordingly but irrationally. I can even watch myself fall. This watching part does not have emotions, it is not a person or a character trait, its just... observation and doesn’t think or evaluate, it just takes protocol and knows, what the script should be. I am a bit scared, because first of all: why can’t I keep to _my_ script and why am I able to lose myself so much or get into self-induced trouble when there is always the smart part.

Sometimes, my body and me are having fits and are fighting about emotions, I do not really feel. I am trying to issue a thought, actually laughing and crying at the same time but the thought does not have anything humoristic or sad. This just happens in situations, I have been anticipating for a long time and the emotion is not related to the topic, but the situation. The relief of the situation passing. I do not find this normal and I tend to shock other people with the overwhelming reactions, but I simply cannot control it and avoid these situations, which make them worse. The steel gaze would not laugh or cry.

Right now, I am dizzy and everything is a bit blurred. I manage everyday affairs but I do not manage the big stuff and am overwhelmed by work right now, though on other occasions, I would have easily bothered AND finished my tests. Becoming older is not just about more pressure or specialization, it is also about avoiding distraction and adapting in many ways that don’t hinder the own script.
... and then... there is the nameless cold and the big black bird and all those words lose their meaning. But even there, the steel gaze is imminent.
19.12.08 15:39

bisher 2 Kommentar(e)     TrackBack-URL

(5.1.09 05:39)
just popping by -
you are not alone on the watching yourself not follow the script you see as what SHOULD be happening.
I cannot tell you how many opportunities i missed for no reason other than *not* taking a step I should. easy steps.
usually its ... irrational mild fears or laziness that hold us back. like getting up in the morning, we want to sleep in, but we have to get up. you have to get yourself in the mentality that you HAVE to take those steps. there is no other option.

and... the misplaced emotions usually stem from stress, and from the sounds of it, you are very stressed.

I wish for you better times, and less stress, whatever it takes for that to happen. luck, change, mindsets, etc. take care!

Lydia / Website (5.1.09 05:40)
ah, the above was me. forgot to name specifics, used to being logged in at livejournal.

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